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Saturday, December 19th, 2009
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marika_ikeda
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| Time: | 11:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  disappointed. |
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I love how the people who always say "you can tell me anything" end up being the ones you can't talk to about anything at all.
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(1 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
flyboy_fox
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IMPORTANT: Everyone on my Friends List, please read this
That means you. Whether you're a close friend or a casual acquaintance, whether you always comment or never have, whether you're genuinely fond of me or just here for a laugh. This applies to every last one of you.
I'm often stunned by the sheer amount of traffic my journal gets and I'm at a loss to explain it. I know that my blog isn't as oft-frequented as some, and what seems like an incredible amount of page-views and comments to me is minimal compared to some. But for me, it's amazing, and I when I started blogging on LJ I never could have imagined that one day I'd have over 100 friends watching my journal and that virtually every post of mine would be commented on by at least a couple of people. As well as friends on LJ, I also have people who watch and comment occasionally from my other 'homes' on the 'net (particularly =SSMB=), and it never ceases to amaze me that people care that much about what I say, think and do.
I'm humbled.
Thank you.
That's a sincere 'thank you' from me to you, for acknowledging me and giving me something to cling to when I feel useless or unlovable. I value every one of you as if you were people I knew in the flesh. As someone who is painfully reclusive and not very social at all, I have never been popular in my life. That I've achieved even a remote degree of popularity on these here internets gives me hope for myself as a person, someone who is maybe worth something and can achieve, even if it takes me a little longer than some to get to where I need to be.
I'm just a person, one of many, and to most of you I'm probably little more than a casual online acquaintance. But to me, you're proof that I'm doing something right. That you give me the time of day, even if just for a moment, even if just to read this entry, means more than you could possibly know.
You stuck with me through happiness and sorrow, madness and mania, stupidity and revelation... FList of 2009 I thank you sincerely and wish every single one of you hope, health and happiness for 2010.
Roll on the New Year!
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(14 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Friday, December 18th, 2009
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flyboy_fox
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 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
In August I pulled ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) rabbit_hugs's hair (-5 points). Last Saturday on a flight to Vancouver, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). Last Wednesday I committed genocide... Sorry about that, violettsukino (-5000 points). Last Sunday way_past_cool and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). In April I bought porn for alycus (-10 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-5044 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!
Sincerely,
flyboy_fox |
Ahahaha... sorry about that, Blazey XD Phew... -5044 points this year? That's gotta be a new personal best!
Sooo... Jei-ji's gone home for Christmas now and I miss her already! I hope the snow doesn't cause her too many delays at Heathrow (I know they've cancelled/delayed some flights although hers wasn't affected on my last check). I'll be going home myself either tomorrow, Sunday or early next week, dependant on the weather (icy roads/blizzards = not gonna make my mum drive to get me).
It snowed a little here yesterday and today, although not enough to settle. I hear it's insane in London/the South-east though. Wonder if it'll travel westward at all...
I saw Laura (her official title is 'Mental Health Facilitator' lol) at college yesterday and she was very very nice. I feel like I'll definitely have some good support next term. She also thinks that I should apply for DSA again this year even though I didn't think I needed it, so I'll have to think about that. If my local GP can give me a doctor's note for my recent absences, I can definitely get a mitigating circumstances extension for my Networking and Web Dev assignments and hand 'em both in after Xmas. I feel much more positive about all of it now.
Also, random new icon 'cause I haven't made one in a while :)
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(7 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Thursday, December 17th, 2009
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sletia
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While I'm not flailing for joy that it's his "dethronement," the timing and song used in this is amazing. Wish it was longer. Hell, wish it was the music they had used in the original anime.
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(2 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
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2_gryphon
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I have returned from Midfur! Here is a tip, when on a plane going from Australia that is transporting a person who has just eaten a lot of Mexican food, make sure that person is you. Heh. That was fun.
Midfur this year was like dousing a house cat in axle grease and throwing it down the front of your pants. It was awesome! Last year was great, but they really stepped it up a notch this year. Of course, I haven't been to every furry even in the world, but I would have to say that next to Eurofurence, this year's Midfur was the most professionally hosted foreign furry con I've ever experienced.
Being the GOH at Midfur was a pleasure. They really took care of me! I'm not talking about "here, have some beer! Have some food! Have this toothless kangaroo we trained to suck!" No. Well, except for the booze and the food. They did do that. And they offered the kangaroo, but the hotel wouldn't let it in the hot tub with me.
But there were also limousine rides to and from the airport and literally a long red carpet into the event space! They made me feel like a dignitary in a foreign country! Not only that, but they inducted me into their Furry Hall Of Fame. It was a brilliant ceremony! It was like the furry version of the Academy Awards. And the statue they awarded me is absolutely beautiful! I'm proud to display it in my studio.
While I was there, I was interviewed by several magazines and video shows, some furry, some not. One of the ones I had the most fun with was ACTfur On-Air. They're a furry video show that is starting up in Australia, and their material is really nicely put together. You can check out some of what they've done on Youtube. http://www.youtube.com/user/HuskyPause
In short, everything was taken to the next level this year. Probably actually the next two levels. For those Americans who like to travel to more exotic places to far away fur cons, this convention is perfect! I truly believe that Midfur is quickly going to become the next big foreign fur con in the world. And from what I've seen, the staff there will be more than able to handle it.
I certainly hope to be able to attend again next year!
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!
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(22 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
flyboy_fox
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Damn it's cold. It's been hovering between -2ºC and 2ºC during the day, and the water on the garage roof beneath my window is frozen, despite being pretty deep puddles. Now, every year when I post my obligatory "I'm cooold!!" post, people comment to tell me "Tch, that's nothing! It's -9000 here in the winter!". I don't care :P I'm cold. The heat only comes on in the evenings, so all I have for heating is a bed robe and a hot water bottle. Brr, guys, BRR! Winter is here for sure! They're talking about even colder weather and icy roads and snow by the weekend... hope that won't affect me going home for Xmas :(
Also, the water coming out of my kitchen tap has, over the past few days, suddenly started coming out cloudy and milky in colour. Someone on =SSMB= suggested that maybe it's just that the water is just supersaturated and it's just tiiiiiiny air bubbles. Could be. It doesn't taste any different and I haven't felt ill from it despite drinking it daily. It's just... odd. I contacted my property manager about it anyway and she's investigating.
*Sneezes* -_- Here we go. The slightest change in temperature, especially warmer to cooler, makes me sneeze uncontrollably. Never just once... always six, seven, eight times or more. Screw window thermometers; just use my nose as an indicator for temperature drops :P
In closing, I am seeing a woman called Laura at college tomorrow. She's a counsellor who deals with helping students with emotional or mental health problems. I have not had any relapses since that last incident and honestly feel fine now, but I will be having a chat with her anyway as she may have some coping strategies for me should my mood ever dip that low again in the new year. The marks on my face are all but gone now, and the ones on my arm are just fading remnants. My eyebrows came back in very fast and should be all back within a week or so. My hair is obnoxiously short but has always grown fast and so I don't imagine it'll take long to get back to where I'd like it to be, length-wise. In the new year, I'm going to lose some weight. I kinda slipped up with that again due to comfort eating and being a food addict in general, but I wanna get back into my good trousers, dammit! No silly diets, just good old healthy eating and exercise, yes'm! I'm overweight right now and I don't like it, but I know it won't take long to lose it if I'm good. *Halo*
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(4 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
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flyboy_fox
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XD; A-doy!
Aaanyway...
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FAO Jade!
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Lwmpmawr arrived today! :DDD Wow, that was quick! And it was indeed... lumpy. Bwahaha. Aww, Jade, you didn't have to ^^ Such an awesome little bundle of gifts. I'll admit I was kinda confused by the popcorn in the Lush box (Lush is such a weird company XD) but no worries, I didn't eat it. The Radox bath soak looks lovely (it's blue, yay!), and the Flying Fox temple balm is made of pure win for the name alone! I'm definitely gonna be using all this stuff. I might even run a bath using one of the bath bombs right after I'm done writing this ^^ The letter was awesome; you're just so sweet... aww, and the Christmas card is great!! I'm really touched at how you addressed it to me AND Jei... I know she'll be grateful too :)
In short, thanks so much!! ♥
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(11 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Monday, December 14th, 2009
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flyboy_fox
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I wasn't online much yesterday because it was Jei's birthday! ^____^ A belated online happy birthday to my beautiful shmoo. 24 years of age, yay!
Being broke, we weren't able to do too much, but we did have lunch at La Tasca, the local tapas bar, and it was REALLY good. Mm-mm, A++, would eat again. I made her a li'l birthday card, and we walked down to the shore and spent some time wandering around the arcade and sitting on the sea-front. She surprised me by buying a little ring from Enigma (a shop that sells crystals and incense and that sort of stuff) and giving it to me as a stand-in until she can afford to buy me the proper engagement ring she picked out for me a while ago. It was such a cute thing for her to do, especially on her own birthday ^^
Aww, I love you so much, Jei-ji n.n
Oh, by the way *drool*
Yes Sonic I still love you and I also love your sexy car ♥♥♥ Mrrrow!
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(13 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Friday, December 11th, 2009
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flyboy_fox
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Oh, silly me. I think that my past transgressions have probably only gone to strengthen the position that all fictionkin are in actuality just 'crazy' people who, to attempt to escape, or allow for, their mental deficiencies - ascribe to crazy beliefs as if to transcend their own mundaneness. Ah, but I was someone cool in a past life! It makes me feel better to cling to that! My past life must have messed me up, so naturally I'm unable to cope with even trivial things in this life! It's something I can lean on to feel better about myself in the light of how pathetic I really am! It's troll food really, isn't it? If it weren't for people like me, sites like ED* would have so very little to feed on (*I love ED dearly actually).
I don't... I don't think that way. I don't think having 'crazy' beliefs has anything to do with one's current state of being, unless one lets them. Maybe it's true that the crazy chemicals in my brain that make me freak out and do wacky things on occasion are the very same that allow me to believe in fictional past lives, but I'll never use that as a crutch. You could take that away from me and I'd still be me. I'll still have highs and lows and I'll still fight back. I'm more than that.
I won't cry. I won't wail that another life was so much better or that I was strong then. Honestly, if it came to pass that any of my past life beliefs are true, I'm sure I was as imperfect and screwed up then as now. But really, who isn't, in their own way? And if it's just a creation of my mind, a world of make-believe akin to dreams, then all the more reason for me to still be me in it. As far as how I feel, dreams ARE real, in a way. The world as we see it is just a construct of our senses, perceived in a way that we can understand.
I dream lucidly and vividly often and in detail. My mind turns electrical signals in my head into objects and people and sights and smells and sounds. The only difference is that afterwards, my physical body in the waking world is unaffected by anything that transpired in that dream world. But it was a reality in its own right because I sensed it, perhaps only through my dream-self, but never the less it was a me, feeling, seeing, thinking. Often even perfectly aware that I'm in a dream, and thinking about my 'real' life outside of it, as if that real life were itself the dream.
Hello mania. That's, I'm sure, what anyone would say. Because I feel alive now, typing, letting words flow... that's just as worrying as shutting myself up and not speaking at all, right? More chemicals in my head, this time making me feel good and positive and purposeful.
I know I don't sound quite right now. My writing is all false poetry and purple prose, goddammit. But so what? If that's what wants to be free right now, is it really such a crime?
I'm Alex, Jai, Flyboy, Tails, Jim Mack, Kojirou, Robin... all at once, all the same, all part of the patchwork quilt that makes up my being. If I fall, I'll get up stronger. Is this what it's like to be on top of the world?
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(15 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Thursday, December 10th, 2009
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flyboy_fox
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Yaaah... I dunno what I set off here, but I feel like it's skeltering out of control more quickly than I can keep up with it, and I just wanna shove it back in its box and put a lid on it ^^;
I am okay.
Here's how it stands:
I am not going to the hospital. I am not going to the local doctor here. I am not calling a crisis hotline. I am not seeing a shrink.
I am seeing a college counsellor next Thursday (one week from now), for what it's worth. I am going to see my doctor, who knows me well, back at home sometime after the 18th of this month.
I'm alright, really I am, and right now I feel more worried and guilty about all the people I panicked than about myself. Yes, I'm still having low moods... it's par for the course. I'm not great, but I'm not crazy or a danger to myself or anyone else either. I spazzed out, and now I think it's out of my system. The marks on my face are almost gone and the ones on my arms are healing well. My hair, amazingly, looks alright (if a little 'dyke-ish' ^^;). My eyebrows are coming back remarkably fast and Jei won't be able to say that I look like a chemotherapy patient for much longer :P
I am fine. Really I am. It's been nice to see that even my trolls have decided not to troll me over all this ('though I guess I'm tempting fate now), but really it's not all that. Please, troll me. I can take it XD; I'd prefer it, really.
Life goes on, things can get back to normal. This is me, what I do. It's not the first time and it may not be the last, but even in my insanity I have my boundaries that won't be overstepped.
Thanks for all your support, guys. Now, can we forget about me for a bit? XP
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(19 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
2_gryphon
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Hello folks! I'm still down in Australia after having performed for Midfur. The organizers were kind enough to give me a few extra days to relax and see the country and I have to say, it is very hard not to fall in love with this place and the people. Not only have I had a brilliant time down here entertaining the Australian furs, I've also had a few very enlightening moments. In fact, one of these moments has very likely changed how I look at the world entirely -- probably forever. Bear with me a moment and perhaps I can give you something to think about...
Jenner.
Jenner is a friend of mine down here. What makes him so cool? Well, in the first place, he is the creator of the Doc Rat comic series (http://www.docrat.com.au/), probably the best anthropomorphic comic strip in all of Australia. He's royalty down here. He's like the Bill Holbrook of Down Under. But what makes him even cooler is that he's a 51 year old furry who is an actual medical doctor currently practicing in Melbourne.
Jenner whips up a mean martini, let me tell you. I know because he invited me to his place to have one. His wife cooked a wonderful dinner and then he and I sat down for a couple of his "Doc Rat" cocktails -- made with some crazy fruit that only happens in Tazmania or something. Very unique and very tasty.
Well, as a person who is also very deep into comedy, we began to discuss what it was that actually created a laugh. After all, as comics, this is very important to us. I told him my idea that in the end, death was always the base motivator in human emotion. And then, he laid it on me....
Injustice.
"What?" I said.
"It's not death that is the base motivator, it's the injustice of death," he said.
Injustice. I thought about it a minute. Injustice. Of course! If I'm dying, it's not the sole fact I'm dying that makes it suck. It's that I'm dying and others get to continue living. It's that I'm dying instead of bad people who don't deserve
to go on. That no matter what good I've done in my life, it's not going to keep me alive any longer than anyone else, no matter what they've done.
The biggest, wide-spread emotional defense to the concept of death has been religion. And basically, religion is just a judgment system. It's there so we can believe that evil people are punished and good people are rewarded. That's what really matters to us as humans. We're not so much adverse to the idea that we'll leave this existence one day as we are to the idea that an innocent six month old baby and a 60 year old child molester could both die and wind up in the same place. The entire purpose of the most popular and unavoidable mind cults on the planet is to develope the idea that this can't happen!
If you talk to religious people, many of them are not afraid to die. But why not? Because they believe their consciousness will continue past death? Or because they believe it will continue in a place where there will be no worry of the people who cause hardship and pain? Would religion take away the fear of death if it taught that we would continue into eternity in the same place with murderers and thieves?
Upon thinking about it, I believe Jenner is some kind of whacked out, crazy, doctor genius. The guy is fucking DEEP. And he's given me a lot to think about. He's said that he might be able to make it to AnthroCon for the first time next year, and I certainly hope he can. I have a feeling I'm going to miss him a lot when I leave here.
I will have a more detailed report of Midfur when I return. For now, see you later, Australia. Thank you guys for the astounding hospitality you've showed me while I was here. I hope to see you again next year. You guys rock!
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(28 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
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kiriana
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| Time: | 8:31 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. | | Music: | "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. |
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Kira is a happy Kira!
And Kira's car is happy too! :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3
That is because it now has something magical in it~~~
It has ( this ). *_________________*
*dances*
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(2 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
sletia
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So today we got to download the patch where we finally face Arthas. Cue WoW being overloaded, all servers down, support phone lines overloaded.. even the website is down. You cannot sign in to the game at all.
All I could think of was Arthas as Mr Burns and Homer as the players...
Arthas: I suggest you leave.
Us: Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead—do your worst!
Arthas: -slams door shut and locks it-
Us: HE LOCKED THE DOOR :O -stymied-
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(Dive into the Night?)
flyboy_fox
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I feel a little... less insane today. Whee, breakthrough?
I'm feeling okay now so I'm not gonna go to the hospital. It would be a waste of their time and money just to check me over, tell me I'm fine, and then send me home :P I don't think I'm a real danger to myself or anyone else, just a bit of a loose cannon.
Everything I do seems to stop before it's 'final'. I think, maybe, I just feel the need to scare or startle myself sometimes, to feel something real. I don't want to die or cause permanent damage to my own being... I just need the adrenaline rush of physical pain or disbelief to shake me out of my 'dead zone'. There's something euphoric about it... the liberty I felt while I was hacking off my hair, or the controlled pain when I was slashing the blade across my arm. A sort of out-of-control that was perfectly within my control. Somehow, that incensed mania, horrific as it was, was more calm and peaceful than the weight of depression across my chest and shoulders.
I'm alive.
I'm not going to the hospital, because I look awful, sickly, alien right now. I look far worse than I feel. And I feel pretty good right now, comparatively. My mum thinks that there's a chance they might section me, lol. Holy crap. Not a chance, mate, I'm not going anywhere. She also talked sense though. She believes that the last thing I need right now is more pills. Rather, counselling and/or a form of CBT might be far more effective in getting to the root of my need to 'act out' so dramatically.
My hair, eyebrows will grow back. The scratches will heal (and are already). I'm sorry for scaring you all, but I'm okay, I really am.
Thank you.
NB: My comment notifications haven't been working for a couple days now, so sorry if I missed anything or was late replying.
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(48 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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Monday, December 7th, 2009
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flyboy_fox
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Chh'. It's raining again. Does it ever stop raining? >_>
I have no eyebrows. I look like an alien. LOL. Should I shave my head completely to finish the look? I dunno why I took off my eyebrows. It just seemed like a thing to do. Har. In retrospect I kinda wish I hadn't. So I'm wearing a woollen hat pulled down over my brow. I also didn't like the asymmetry of my cheek, so I put marks on my other cheek to match.
Then I lay on the couch and stared at my hands for about two hours. That was fun. Well no. It was kinda odd. Really interesting. I literally didn't move at all for a couple hours. I kinda felt disassociated from my body, like my limbs were dead weights and not my own, and if they ever did move I wouldn't be able to feel it 'cause they weren't mine. It sorta felt like I was paralysed but I wasn't scared or worried because I didn't want to move. I could make very small nodding movements or 'mmn' sounds. It was like a really deep trance and I stayed in it until Jei brought me a blanket and covered me up and I fell asleep for the night on the couch.
This morning I got up and shook the barbells from my head and spent a while trying to draw my eyebrows on with an eye-liner pencil. Didn't work very well so I'm back to wearing the woolly cap. Now I'm floating with the tide and just trying to write how I feel.
Jei will be home from school later. Later. For now I need to do something, I dunno what. I can't sleep any more and I feel restless. I'm not sure where I am any more.
It's only a few weeks until Christmas.
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(9 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
sletia
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Excitement and adventure is all relative. What if our lives were the game and Warcraft was reality? This is a hilarious take on it.
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(1 Shooting Stars | Dive into the Night?)
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loved.
calm.
artistic.
cold.
grateful.
strong.
cheerful.
okay.
amused.
confused.